i should never make mistakes
Kia ora Friends,
I'm refining my "START HERE AND KEEP GOING" talk and reflecting on the lessons from my personal life (supported by science) that loosened my tight grip on perfectionism.
[Shameless plug, early bird pricing ends this weekend for the 19 June Wellington training. Get your tickets now!]
As my husband and I were navigating a cross-country move, my new national policy job, and new baby, a study on the cognitive styles of depressed mothers was thrown around the popular media.
This study showed that depressed mothers were much more likely to endorse rigid, perfectionistic, and idealized beliefs about mothering. One item that mothers endorsed still haunts me: "Parenting is wholly fulfilling in every way."
I probably remember that phrase so clearly because my husband and I would bandy it back and forth during our "you gotta laugh or cry" moments:
- When our toddler smashed headfirst into a window sill and broke her nose,
- when we both were too sick to walk and she was healthy, so we crawled around the floor playing Barbies and taking turns vomiting.
We'd catch each other's eyes and say "Wholly fulfilling in every way!"
Although these distortions didn't capture me in the parenting realm, it took me years to identify that this rigid, perfectionistic thinking poisoned my work life and fueled my burnout.
Here are some of the things I used to think about my own work identity that kept me stuck and unhappy, using the same categories identified by parenting researchers Warner, Madar, Sockol & Costa:
- Perfectionism: I should never make mistakes as a clinician.
- Idealization: A good provider never feels unsure or resentful.
- Self-blame/Personalization: It's my fault if my patient isn't progressing.
- Over-responsibility: A good clinician always puts the patient's needs first.
- Negative self-evaluation: If I can't handle this, I'm bad at what I do. My own distress proves I'm failing.
Our own job dissatisfaction can be fueled by distorted expectations about the work and our limits.
Part of growing and doing the work we love (a) within our limited human bodies, (b) for patients so worthy of care (c) and yet within systems so limited and limiting
is shifting these internal relentless critical narrators.
Here's a few things I try to say to myself now:
- My mistakes show me what I don't know yet. What can I learn? Where do I need help?
- These emotions matter. I can be quiet and listen. Is this fear, discomfort, or anger about me? Is it about the patient? Is it related to something else?
- There are lots of reasons a client may not be progressing. Let's pause and investigate. Do I want to reflect by myself or ask for support from a friend or colleague?
- These things happen. Some days are like this. I did what I could. I will start again tomorrow.
What works for you? What phrases or reminders help you swim through turbulent currents?
Kerry Keeps Doing Stuff
- Staff Burnout Support I recently partnered with the Hutt Valley Women's Refuge Center to provide quarterly staff support. If your group may be interested in similar support or burnout prevention, just reply to this email and let's chat.
- For Wellington folks, please join me for a cheeky (and free) talk about the lies of burnout and self-care on 23 June at 12 PM in the gorgeous Ngā Pou Ruahine room of the newly reopened Te Matapihi Wellington Central Library.
- Would you like me to speak to your group? I just updated my 'book a talk' page including talk descriptions and the variety of formats that I offer.
Wishing you a long sunset, books that wrap around you like a blanket, and a meaningful thank you from someone you care about.
Warmly, Kerry