Kia ora koutou! How’s everyone doing today?

At our house we are very very tired. Tired like sleeping an hour past the alarm every morning. I am irritated and baffled that everyone seems to need dinner Every.Single.Night when obviously we could just be eating Christmas cookies and watching Hunger Games.

Today I am going to do a concrete, blunt list of some ways that it may be helpful to show up for family visits. This is loving, firm advice about things that may be useful. Take what works for you, ignore the rest.

*Oh! FYI you can hear me read these posts if you download the Substack app ; it’s like a personal Kerry podcast.*

Tool 1: Pick one goal

Step one: figure out your actual goal and then focus on that. If your goal is to change anyone else in the room….just stop.

Stop. That is not in your control and it’s also a recipe for just stress and failure. The only thing you get to control is your own behavior. (I know it’s a bummer, I frequently say to my husband that I would run his life so well. And shocker I am actually not in charge of his life. So he is running it much more slowly than I would. Sigh.)

So we only control our own behavior and it’s useful to re-center on What is your goal for this holiday season, for this conversation, for this meal. Sometimes the goal is being loving and attentive with my daughter, sometimes my goal is speaking up for myself when I am lectured at by the uncle who will not stop talking. Sometimes your goal is just get through the GD day without flipping a dining table or throwing a glass through the window. These are all reasonable goals.

It is worth noting your goal typically points to what you most care about, it points to your values for the time, and for the interaction. Some common values that I hear people talk about a lot are respect for self, for others, compassion, kindness, Peace. (These values can also work as a great mantra; last year I spent a lot of time whispering to myself be here now….be here now….be here now.)

Tool 2: Slow down

Just slow down. I know it is simplistic. I know everyone talks about breathing, slowing down, and pausing. I KNOW. It is repeated frequently because it actually can help.

• take a deep breath
• take a drink of water
• make yourself cooler by opening up a window or taking off a layer
• put your head in cold water
• when I start getting really revved up I’ll just sit down on the floor because looking at something from a different perspective seems to help me.

Many of us are walking into situations that can be stressful, fraught and primed for fast reactionary exchanges.

We might have huge, high hopes for the holiday season
+ warm memories of how it used to be or painful memories of how it used to be
+ all kinds of ideas about how we would like it to be.

Do not be Kerry crying next to the oven (if you don’t want to be).

I also find it helpful to have a few key phrases ready to slow down conversations when they start to veer towards same old, same old. Some of my favorite phrases are

• huh I’m not sure about that. Let me think.
• I need to get a drink of water.
• I would rather talk about something else.
• What do you mean, I’m confused?

Tool 3: Surrender

Surrender. I know this is an intense one word suggestion, it is like acceptance, except on steroids. Surrender. Surrender.

Sometimes it’s useful to practice radical acceptance. These people love you and they are just who they are.

What if there is no hope of change, but we knew that they were dying (as they surely are, as we all surely are)?

How would you respond to the loved one? If you knew this was one of the last conversations this was all they would ever be or say, and yet what would you still want to say to them? What would you most hope to communicate or remember about them?

Tool 4: What if it is not a big deal?

Avoid taking any of this too seriously. This advice is mainly for people who are pulled to overcontrol (me…. me me me).

I can get so stuck in a perfectionistic optimize or bust mindset that I lose the forest for each Christmas tree. This is not a Hallmark Christmas event. This is just our little imperfect lives.

This is just my imperfect life. It is the only one I have and I can spend my time grumping about what I don’t have or treasure what I do. We all have immature family members. Remember why? Because WE ARE ALL IMMATURE.

Tool(s) 5: Listen to Dr. Gibson

Gibson’s nuggets are:

• come to each situation with curiosity
• practice being an observer
• focus on relatedness, not relationships.

You can be kind and respectful with a family member while practicing healthy, balanced distance. We can be loving with someone without showing them our deepest, authentic selves.

“Tell the other person what you want to say in as calm and nonjudgmental a way as you can, and don’t try to control the outcome. Explicitly say what you feel or want and enjoy that act of self-expression, but release any need for the other person to hear you or change. You can’t force others to empathize or understand. The point is to feel good about yourself for engaging in what I call clear, intimate communication. Others may or may not respond how you want them to, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you expressed your true thoughts and feelings in a calm, clear way. That goal is achievable and within your control.” Gibson, Lindsay C.. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (pp. 148-149). New Harbinger Publications. Kindle Edition. 

Tool(s) 6: Listen to Emily Writes

Seriously, please read Ms. Emily Writes clear, balanced, calming perspective which includes scripts. I am repeating “It’s just a day!”

The rules for Christmas don't apply

I adore Christmas but I always found it stressful until we started changing the way we do things to better support our youngest child. We thought we were changing things for him, but really - throwing the social rules out the window has been great for not just us, but our extended whānau too.

Emily Writes Weekly 

Wishing you all a few moments of peace, silence, delicious kai (food), and at least one moment where you feel inextricably linked, loved, and loving.

I’m cheering for all of us, and remember it is just one day. Before we know it we will be in the new year and planning for our next adventure.

Love, Kerry