NOTE FROM KERRY:

Kia ora e hoa! (hello my friend),

HAPPY back-to-school for our Northerners and Happy OMG spring is here for our Southern hemisphere mates. This week has been rich with good, hard work. I recently wrote to a friend, “I’m crying a lot of happy tears right now, it feels like a good time for hope.” Following up on my parenting post last week, this week I’m sharing some of my favorite sex and intimacy resources:

Remember the brain is the largest sex organ in the body

Dan Savage, my favorite sex podcaster, used to always say that the brain is the largest sex organ in the body. With that in mind, here’s a few of the most common beliefs I see in therapy that block intimacy.

BIG MYTHS: Brain Blockers to Connection and Intimacy

1. If they loved me enough, they would….

Oh so tempting, this fantasy seems to be fueled by the (typically hetero-normative) romantic comedy industrial complex where our confused and emotionally immature love interest engages in hilarious antics before *seeing the light*, seemingly experiencing a major maturation usually only learned through a few years of therapy or a decade of life experience but voila! They are new and improved, they see the error of their ways, they are still gorgeous but now also open and communicative, yayayayayaya!

I know well the trap and spent a good bit of my 20s in this quick sand quagmire. Underneath the “if they loved me enough”, is typically something more useful and actionable:

1. I do not feel seen or heard. or 
2. My needs are not being met. or 
3. Something needs to change.

Lightening bolts of love are rarely what will lead to these changes. But clear, direct conversation can. (eg I love you and you aren’t hearing me. Please put down your phone, look in my eyes, and tell me what you hear me saying.)

Share this with one friend who gets it!

2. Sex looks one way.

Yeah naw, love. We have a lot of nerve endings. There are a lot of ways to experience pleasure. As the wise and science-based sex educator Emily Nagoski says, “Pleasure is the measure.” (More resources from Dr. Nagoski below!)

3. Sex should be easy and uncomplicated (…let’s compare this to pizza!)

Dude. Let’s use the pizza analogy. I LOVE pizza. My partner LOVES pizza. It is a strong common bond. *and* on any given night, we disagree about

• do we want pizza tonight?
• do we want thin slice, deep dish, artisanal, or chain pizza?
• what pizza toppings do we want? (No, I will NOT have pineapple again, ugh!)

But Kerry, eating is so basic, it’s a natural instinct, I think it’s really concerning and evidence of deeply seeded problems in your relationship that you can’t agree on pizza.

Dude. No. Couples that work…work! They take responsibility for their own emotions, they work on clearing asking for what they’d like, and they talk to each other about how to compromise and/or come toward each other to meet everyone’s needs (or at least have everyone feel seen and heard).

We all want pizza at different frequencies with different toppings. It’s all good. Just talk to each other.

4. What happens in the bedroom is only related to the bedroom

No. What happens in your relationship (and the rest of your life) impacts your:

• connection to your body
• your libido
• your physical (and intellectual) creativity, curiosity, and interest 

Case in point: Gender Inequities in Household Labor Predict Lower Sexual Desire in Women Partnered with Men (Harris, Gormezano, and van Anders, 2022)

The title really says it all…

A few sex and intimacy resources

1. Come Together by Emily Nagoski

Brief description at this great NYTimes article:

“Like a true self-proclaimed “sex nerd,” Nagoski also dug into the science of what great sex looks like in a long-term relationship and how to cope when problems arise, which became the backbone of her new book, “Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections,” out later this month. At nearly 300 pages, with two appendices and 22 pages of notes and scientific references, it’s the product of an academic who loves data. But Nagoski, who earned a doctorate in health behavior and a master’s degree in counseling from Indiana University, is happy to give up what she thinks are the three secrets of partners with happy sex lives in the book’s introduction:

1. They are friends.

2. They prioritize sex.

3. They ignore outside opinions about what sex should look like and do what works for them…

But in “Come Together,” Nagoski is arguing that desire is almost beside the point. “Center pleasure, because great sex over the long term is not about how much you want sex,” she writes, “it’s about how much you like the sex you’re having.

…Put more succinctly: “Pleasure is the measure.”

2. Dan Savage’s Column and podcast

3. Ruth Ramsay on treating sex like a hobby:

4. Everything by Esther Perel (podcast, books, special rec for “Mating in Captivity”)

5. Netflix show Sex, Love, & Goop (reader rec, thank you!!)

6. Netflix show How to Build a Sex Room (reader rec, thank you!!)

p.s. I ran out of time, but below also looks really good!

"Sexually, I was always a caretaker first"

Even in our most intimate moments, we often follow social scripts we have inherited. The way we talk, the way write, what we believe to be good or wrong; the way we move our bodies and feel in our bodies. The way we mother. The way we fuck. Dating, sex, marriage, parenthood, all can feel coerced by gendered expectations. The idea that our most intimate …

Mad Woman

QUESTIONS FOR NEXT TIME:

1. Next week I’m going to be writing about things that bring us pure, simple joy. Just reply or comment and let me know what things bring you joy or delight (link to a previous post on Ross Gay’s lovely experiment in finding delight).
2. Was this too long with too many resources? Is it overwhelming? Would you prefer I break things like this up into a few posts? All feedback welcome.

Sending love, Kerry

*I am a one woman show so when you comment or respond, you are talking to me. All feedback is welcome, I want to hear from you so I can craft something that is useful to you.*