Ballad of Burnout, part 2 of 4
What if the structures I succumb to have spies on my inside?
Ballad of Burnout: a helper lost and found by Kerry Makin-Byrd (me) © 2023
5 Anger fuels awareness
I return to work
To disembodied highs and lows
As denial ebbs, I watch the Dr Kerry show with faint dis-ease
A shiny hyperactive joy floodlighting quieter doubts
Rigid righteousness masked as expertise
I desperately detail injustices at work
Sifting through the sand of minutia to find the gold
“Why am I doing this? Can you help me remember why I am in this job?”
When did I learn to be ashamed of having needs?
How is this serving me?
Who is it serving?
Who benefits from this grit, ignoring myself to focus only on others?
WHO AM I SERVING
I start examining what I learned about worth in a racist capitalist patriarchal American culture. What if the structures I succumb to have spies on my inside1?
My horoscope nails the helper:
As you are exhausted,
you become overbearing and presumptuous
You sacrifice yourself in an unhealthy exchange for validation and love
This exchange is empty
You are secretly angry and resentful
even as you repress and deny it.
Eventually you erupt2
Welcome to my eruption
I twist this way and that, casting about
It is all their fault
I rage against them
Heartbreak and betrayal are explosive and blame is my grounding rod
But the system is smart
I gaslight myself well
Aren’t I a professional? Don’t I hold responsibility?
I break the surface briefly, then dip back below the water.
It’s easier to blame myself
6 Anger as guilt and shame
I practice an old skill, a pivot toward the other
I mute, silence, and stuff what I want,
what I know to be true,
what I most desperately need
“But how are you?!”
Work spins out like a tank on black ice
I scramble desperately, ineffectively
Anger and pain morph into guilt and shame
I hold my cultural indoctrination well - if it isn’t working it is my fault
There is an extra twist of the knife for helpers.
We already believe that we are above context, above human weakness, that we are super powerful, able to bend others’ lives (and our own) to our wishes
The psychologist code of ethics tells me that I must sustain meta-awareness of my own disintegration3
I’m doing this wrong too
When things are especially bad at work, I walk along the ocean as soon as the sun rises
I send long rambling video messages to my best friend
She replies tiredly and simply, “You are enmeshed with the work”
May I know peace
May I know love
May I be free from fear and anger
I google “What does enmeshment mean?”
To lose touch with your own wants, needs, yearnings4
I carefully document the symptoms
- I forget my own feelings to focus on work’s needs
- I believe it is my responsibility to save, protect, or serve work
- My work determines my happiness, self-esteem, or sense of self
- I replace other relationships with work
- I suppress my own emotions to avoid disagreement or conflict with work
- I feel anxious or scared if there’s conflict with work and do whatever I can to resolve it
- I feel uncomfortable spending time away from work
What if the next right step
Is uncurling my white knuckles
Stretching my fingers out long
Allowing my tightly held striving to crash and splinter on the floor
Why does letting go take so much more effort?
Where is the jackpot?
Where is the promised prize?
I scramble on uncertain ground, toward false hope, away from myself
The only way out of a hole is to climb
7 (Progress is not linear)
Like a butterfly floating through a wasteland
Insight doesn’t power me out and away
I keep chugging toward rock bottom
Any addict will tell you
Rock bottom is exactly what I need
Maybe at rock bottom I will be too tired to use my tools of self defeat
I slink from my desk and lay in the backyard
Staring at sunlight winking between tree leaves
Conspiring to pull me back toward this real true world
I begin reading the book by the Columbine shooter’s mother
I have nightmares about her simple message,
Love isn’t enough.
Things can go haywire while you are living your best intentions,
you must try harder
You must look at hard truths
Part 3 of 4 coming soon…
Share this post with anyone who feels burned out or needs a little boost of love.
While the idea grows from what I learned reading Byung-Chul Han, the languaging jumps directly from Lin-Manual Miranda’s poetic ingenuity: “We had a spy on the inside.” from Yorktown The World Turned Upside Down, Hamilton. ↩
"Everything I learned about enneagram came from Mara Bear Vernon and the Enneagram Institute’s website. Thank you to both. ↩
From the APA Code of Conduct Section 2.06b Personal Problems and Conflicts “When psychologists become aware of personal problems that may interfere with their performing work-related duties adequately, they take appropriate measures, such as obtaining professional consultation or assistance, and determine whether they should limit, suspend, or terminate their work-related duties. See also Standard 10.10, Terminating Therapy.” ↩
Thanks to Dr )ohn Friel who explained enmeshment in Remember This Is YOUR Healing Journey: An Adult Child's Guide to What's Normal. ↩